Well, this is Awkward
by goldpiece
Summary: Booth and Brennan try to take a chance at romance, with interesting results.
1. Chapter 1

A/N: this story is meant to explore a first in the Booth and Brennan relationship. The concept is a little out there, so, erm, enjoy. I hope. Oh, yeah, and it's a round robin between myself and Siapom, so hopefully it'll be up to our "funny" standards. And to anyone who's read this and wonders why it's a little different, I posted it last night around midnight, and when I got up today, Siapom noticed a similarity to another story, so in order to not impugn their work, some changes were made.

Special Agent Seeley Booth had never before been so happy to feel the landing gear of a plane touch down than he was at that moment. He glanced at his partner, Dr. Temperance Brennan, and gave her a wan smile.

"We made it. I've never been on a plane ride that was that rough. Not even on the hop flights back in my Army days." He rubbed his hand across his face. "God. What time is it anyway?"

She nodded and glanced at her watch. "Um. Eight PM local time. And, I know. The turbulence was terrible." Their seats were in the next to last row. So, with weary sighs they waited for everyone else to get up and move to the front of the plane.

Without thinking of it, Booth gently placed his hand onto her back to help guide her off of the plane. Truth be told, Brennan didn't mind. She'd grown so used to Booth's little touches, she didn't notice them anymore.

"Man, I'm starving," Booth mumbled as they finally got their baggage and left for his vehicle.

"You want to pick up something on the way home?" Brennan asked, stretching before getting into the SUV.

"Whose home? Yours or mine?" He got into the SUV and put the key in the ignition. "Actually, we'll make it mine. We've both been up for over 30 hours straight. I'm not taking you back to the Jeffersonian for your car when you haven't had any sleep."

Brennan turned a cold look to him and pointed to the steering wheel. "Booth, that makes no sense. You're driving on no sleep. What makes that any different?"

Blinking weary eyes, Booth followed the familiar signs as he navigated his way out of the airport's maze of roads. "The difference is that I'm not the one who has been bent over a sub-standard examination table in BFE Wisconsin studying the remains of young teenage girls for days on end." Brennan arched an eyebrow, but before she could respond, Booth interrupted her. "It means we were in the middle of nowhere."

"Oh. And where do you propose we stop for food?"

"How about that new Tex Mex place that just opened. Angela said it was pretty good."

"I don't know, I mean if you're planning on going to bed when we get to your place, then it might not be the best thing to eat right now."

Booth just snorted. "I think I can judge what I should or shouldn't eat before my bedtime, Bones." He glanced her way. "I'm a big boy, now, just in case you haven't noticed. I can even dress myself in the morning and everything."

With a roll of her eyes, Brennan breathed, "Yeah, except for your socks."

"What's wrong with my socks? There's nothing that says I have to wear boring black or white socks."

"Oh come on, Booth. The ones you have on today have little gnomes on them and say 'lucky'."

"They're my lucky socks, and they aren't gnomes. They're leprechauns." He just glared at her for a second before turning back to the road. Brennan smirked, but didn't say anything else while he drove. They reached the restaurant a few minutes later, and got out, glad for the blast of cold air that helped them wake up a bit.

"I still don't think this is a good idea, Booth."

"Duly noted." he said before pushing open the doors to the restaurant.

Just as they passed through the doors, the entire floor staff yelled "Hola!" causing them both to jump and Booth to go for his gun. Brennan jabbed him with her elbow before he realized that he'd already unsnapped the holster. With an embarrassed smile, he casually resnapped it and lowered his hands.

"You know, we're both a little on edge. Maybe we should get the food to go."

She nodded agreement, and they headed into the bar area to place their orders. It took a while for the food to be prepared, and when the waitress handed over the food, the smiled wearily. At this point, the only thing that sounded good to them was a full stomach and sleep.

"Well, I'll say one thing, the food smells good," Brennan murmured. She inhaled the slightly spicy scent and sighed contentedly. Her stomach growled loudly, making Booth grin a little.

"I think you were hungrier than you said, Bones."

She glared at him. "Well, if someone hadn't insisted on seeing the huge ball of twine that was shaped like a football before we left the state, I might have had time for lunch!"

"Oh, come on, Bones! How many times in your life are you going to see a ball of twine that's that big?"

Brennan opened her mouth to retort, but couldn't think of a response to that inane question.

Booth continued, "Besides, it was the only interesting-in-a-good-way thing that we saw in Wisconsin. Come on, how can you not like a ball of twine?"

"I'm sure I can think of plenty of reasons."

"Such as?"

"Just give me a minute, I'm sure I can think of something."

He chuckled gleefully. "Nope. Time's up, Bones. Admit it, you found it interesting." He poked her arm. "I saw you studied how the old guy'd weaved it all together."

Brennan crossed her arms and huffed. "Fine. I found the meticulous attention to detail to be of some interest, purely from an anthropological point of view."

"Ha! I knew it!"

She glared at him, but said no more as they pulled up to his place. He offered her a smile before climbing out to get her door. Brennan muttered under her breath as she climbed out, the food in hand and followed Booth to his front door. Booth glanced at her one more time before chuckling. He got his door open and looked at her as she swept past him and into the apartment.

"Make yourself at home, Bones."

She smirked and called over her shoulder, "Kitchen or living room?"

"Living room," he called as he kicked off one shoe.

"Oh, did you forget my bag's in the back of the SUV?"

"Then by all means, let me get it." Booth muttered on his way out to the car. "Anthropological inevitability. Women nag." He stomped back to the SUV, and pulled the bag from the car, accidentally dropping it on the ground. It spilled out the contents. "Damn." Booth grabbed the first article of clothing he spotted. When he realized what it was, he dropped it again. _Wow, I didn't know Bones wore stuff like that._ He picked it up and looked at it, then guiltily put it back in the bag. She'd kick his ass if she knew he was looking at her underwear.

Just as his fingers curled around a red lace bra, he heard the door open and looked up.

"Booth, don't forget my compu – " She stopped mid-word. "What are you doing with that?"

"Uh. This?" He held up the bra. "Well, you see I was getting your bag, as requested. But, I bumped my arm on the door. And, well, it dropped. The bag, not my arm. And, when it dropped, it opened, spilling your stuff – " He waved the bra as an example. " – all over the ground. So…"

Her face was about as red as the undergarment.

"Just...how about I clean that up, and you just...you know, inside."

"Yeah, that's...I'll just go inside." He waved the bra as he said it, and handed it to her as he passed by.

"Thank you."

"No problem."

She heard the door shut and lowered her chin to her chest. Then, with a deep breath, she walked over to pick up the rest of her clothing.

After closing the door, Booth leaned his back against it, taking a deep breath. "I am so lucky she didn't kick my ass." Then, once again taking off his shoes, he walked toward the living room just as the door opened and Brennan entered, bags in hand.

"Hey, Booth. Do you have somewhere I can plug in my – Oof!"

A loud thud had Booth turning before Brennan's bag could follow her fall to the floor. As it hit, it snapped open and the contents, once again went flying. But, he was more concerned with his partner.

"Bones! Are you okay?" He rushed to help her up, not noticing as his foot was crushing something as he reached her. She allowed him to help her stand, but when she looked down, her face went red.

"Bones?"

"Um, Booth…do you think you could move your foot off of those…that…my birth control pills?"

"Huh?" He looked down to see that he was standing on a pink, circular case. "Oh, geez, I'm sorry." He moved his foot, and watched as Brennan hurriedly grabbed the packet and shoved it quickly in her pocket. Booth started to laugh a little as he helped up Brennan.

"Here, why don't we start over. The food's on the coffee table."

"Sound's great," she said as she tried to contain her blush.

She made her way to the living room, ignoring her red bra, now draped artistically over one of Booth's hiking boots. Once she was safely seated on the couch, she pulled off her shoes, rubbing her ankle where she'd twisted it. Glancing back to the hall, she saw that the matching red panties were hanging from the handle of Parker's new bike, and she started to laugh.

Booth popped his head around the corner to look at her. "You okay in there? What's so funny?"

"Nothing. Nothing's funny." She looked back at the bike and started to laugh again. Booth glanced at the bike, and started to laugh as well.

"Come on and eat before the food gets cold."

Taking a few deep, calming breaths, Brennan was able to stop laughing long enough to help "divvy up" the food as her partner put it. Then, safely settled back against the seat cushions, she gave Booth's food one more skeptical look.

"Booth, are you sure you want to eat the Three Bean Burritos right before bedtime?"

"Of course I'm sure. I know what I can handle, Bones. Remember, I'm a big boy."

"Yes you are." Brennan shook her head and began to eat. She would glance over at Booth every now and then with a shake of her head as he made his way through the mountain of bean burritos. _That's gonna come back and bite him in the ass, I swear._

Glancing down at her taco salad, she felt reassured that she'd made the safer choice. However, as she bit into a stray habenero, she changed her mind. Her eyes started to water, and she grabbed the first beverage she got her hands on.

Booth watched in shock as she grabbed his beer and chugged it down.

"Bones, what in the hell are you doing?"

"Hot. Pepper. Sorry." She coughed and fanned her mouth. She smiled at Booth in apology.

"Oh! You want a glass of milk? That beer isn't going to do you much good."

She reached for her water and gulped a mouthful before replying. "No. I think I'm okay."

"Okay, if you insist."

"Really, I'm fine." Booth shook his head, but didn't say anything else about it. The rest of dinner passed without incident, and the two began to relax.

"You know, I think you need to get a new suitcase."

"You know, it would have been fine if you didn't drop it before."

"It should never have popped open like that. I mean honestly, who buys a suitcase without a zipper?" Booth yawned and pushed his plate away from him. Maybe Brennan was right. He really shouldn't have eaten so much.

"The sales clerk said it was the best model in the store." Brennan yawned and leaned her head back on his couch, closing her eyes.

"Well, expensive and sensible are generally two different things."

"If you say so, Booth." A small, sleepy smile graced her lips, but she didn't open her eyes. He loved to watch her like this. _She looks so peaceful when she's sleepy. _He'd spent most of his time trying to ignore the feelings that came over him at moments like this. But, this time…maybe it was the lack of sleep or the beer. But, this time, he didn't want to ignore it. He wanted to revel in the closeness they had been sharing.

"Of course I say so, although…" Brennan opened her eyes and noticed how close the two of them were sitting. Booth was looking at her intensely, like he'd done many times before, but now the look was unwavering.

"Booth," she whispered, trying to put a warning in her voice, but her pounding heart shut off that thought.

"Temperance." He reached out and caressed the side of her face. With a small shiver, she closed her eyes and her lips parted slightly. _Oh, god, he's going to kiss me._ She could feel him close in, and just as his lips touched hers, it happened.


	2. Chapter 2 And Then

A/N: (Goldpiece) Okay, here's the second installment of this wonderful romp through Bones and Booth land. (Siapom) And all I can say is shame on you thinking we'd have Booth pass gas just as the two of them are about to kiss. We aren't that mean. (Goldpiece) Well... (Siapom) Shhhh. You'll spoil the surprise.

Temperance was mortified as the belch slipped from between her parted lips. Her eyes widened, and she covered her mouth as a blush took over her face. Booth backed up quickly, and coughed at the smell of habenero and beer.

"Oh, god, I'm so sorry," she squeaked, not wanting to look at Both, but unable to take her eyes from his.

Booth opened his mouth only to shut it again. Then, his look of surprise turned into a smirk. "And, you were worried about what _I _ordered for dinner? Really, Bones. I think next time you should put more thought into your late evening food and beverage choices so that this sort of thing doesn't happen."

Her eyes widened a little more, and for a moment, Booth thought she was going to cry. When she began to laugh, the smirk turned into a grin and he began to join in on the laughter. A few minutes later, they both had almost managed to get their laughter under control. For the most part. Each time one started to speak, the other would start to smirk, and the laughter started all over again.

Finally, holding her sides, Brennan said, "Enough already. I don't think I've laughed that hard in years."

"Maybe we should just quit while we're ahead, and try to get some sleep." Booth grinned as he stretched his arms over his head. His shirt crept up a little, and Tempe let her gaze wander to the small strip of skin exposed as his shirt rose up.

"Oh no. I didn't let you almost kiss me to give up that easily." Booth's eyebrows shot upwards.

"Really?"

At her nod, he gave a brilliant smile. "Okay. Then what do you propose we do about the situation?"

She said, "Well…" and started to lean toward him, "…we could pick up where we left off."

With a slow nod, Booth agreed. He reached his hand up to once again caress her face. Just as he did so, she turned her head to the left to meet his touch.

"Ow." She rubbed her eye after coming in contact with his finger. She grabbed both of his hands and held them down as she came in to kiss him. When their lips met, both took in a sharp breath. Pulling back, they both looked confused and shifted uncomfortably.

"Um, Bones…"

Brennan cleared her throat. "Uh, yeah." She looked up to meet his eyes.

"Did you feel..?"

"Any..." She pointed back and forth between them. "No."

"Yeah, me either." She offered him a little half smile before looking back at the plate of food on the table. "So, you want the spare bedroom or the couch?"

She moved slightly away from him and reached for the remainder of her taco salad. "Spare room is good."

"Great." He stood up and gestured to the hall. "I'll go get towels for you. I'll be right back."

"I'll be here."

"Good."

"Yeah." Brennan stabbed a pile of lettuce, wondering what the hell just happened.

(goldpiece and siapom back away from the suddenly screaming readers. They look at each other and shrug.) (siapom)What's wrong with them? (goldpiece) I don't know. Think they'll still reivew? (siapom) They'd better, or...


	3. Chapter 3 What the?

(siapom and goldpiece put their hands on their hips and look at the readers sternly) siapom - You really thought we were going to leave you hanging, didn't you? goldpiece - Tsk. Tsk. You should have more faith. siapom - What she said. goldpiece - Now, to make it up to us, hit that little button and show some love.

Booth walked slowly down the hall. _What the hell just happened? There were supposed to sparks…unbridled passion. Instead it was just…eh._

Brennan took another bite of her salad, trying to figure out why this whole situation just didn't feel right. How could she and Booth not have that "chemistry" that Angela was always talking about? _It just isn't possible. It has to be there._ She paled. _Maybe I ruined it. That tiny, little burp could've been a turn off to him. What do I do?_ She peeked down the hallway to make sure Booth wasn't coming back before grabbing her phone. She dialed a number and waited, watching the hallway to make sure Booth didn't round the corner.

"Hello?" Angela's chipper voice came over the line, and Temperance tensed slightly at the conversation she knew she was about to have.

"Ange, it's me."

"Sweetie, are you okay? You sound upset."

"There were supposed to be fireworks. How could there not be fireworks?"

"Fireworks?"

"Yes. You keep saying it. You keep saying that we have so much chemistry, but nothing happened! Maybe it's because I..." Brennan's voice trailed off.

"I didn't catch that last part Bren."

Brennan dropped her voice to a whisper. "I said maybe it's because I sort of…burped on him." She heard Angela gasp. "But, it was just a little burp!"

Booth's voice carried from down the hall. "What was that, Bones?"

Starting guiltily, she dropped the phone out of sight. "Nothing! I turned on the TV." She grabbed the remote and flicked the ON button. She then realized she'd left Angela sputtering on the phone. "Ange?"

"You did what?"

"I couldn't help it. I choked on a pepper and had some beer to clear up the problem..."

"Were you trying to cause a disaster?"

"I wasn't the one to eat three bean burritos in one sitting."

"Oh, God, please tell me he didn't, you know."

"No!"

"What, Bones?"

Brennan glanced down the hall. "I didn't say anything, Booth." She held the phone close to her and turned away from the hall. "Angela, what do I do now? I think I've ruined everything."

There was a pause on the other end of the line. "Sweetie, you didn't ruin everything. Just let me think." Brennan heard some rustling and a male voice.

"Oh, Angela, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to interrupt your evening."

"Don't worry about it. It's just Jack." Then, Angela obviously moved away from the phone to say, "No, it's not about work. Bren just burped on Booth when he tried to kiss her."

"Ange!"

"What? Jack, stop it; it's not that funny. Sorry about that, Sweetie."

"What do I do? I ruined everything!"

"Well you could... hold on, I have another call." Angela smacked Jack on the arm as she switched lines. "Hello?"

"Angela, it's Booth. I have a problem."

Angela's eyes widened. "Booth!" She looked desperately at Jack, who only shrugged. "To what do I owe the pleasure? Tell me you don't want me to come to the lab."

Booth glanced down the hall to make sure he didn't see Brennan. "No. I have a problem, and I need your advice."

Angela rolled her eyes. "What's wrong, sweetie?" Jack started to laugh, so she hit him again.

Booth heard someone laughing in the background and flushed. "Oh man. I'm sorry, Angela. I didn't mean to ruin your night if you have company."

"Don't worry about it. It's just Jack. Now, what's your problem?"

"I kissed Bones, and there weren't any sparks. I don't understand it. I never imagined it like this!"

"You've fantasized about Bren?"

"NO! I mean I didn't – "

He suddenly heard Brennan's voice call to him, "What was that Booth?" He walked to the door. "Nothing. I stubbed my toe. I'll be out in a few minutes." He quickly shut the bathroom door and put the phone to his ear. "Sorry, Ange. Where was I?"

"You were explaining your fantasies about Brennan."

"Oh, this is good, he had fantasies about the good doctor?" Hodgins started to laugh. Angela glared at him before turning her attention to the phone again.

"I was not...I don't...why weren't there sparks?"

Angela, forgetting that Booth didn't know about Brennan's call, started to say, "Probably because she – " Jack cut her off with a quick smack to the back of her head. "Ow! What the hell is wrong with…oh. Right."

Booth looked at his phone and then put it back to his ear. "What was that?"

"Nothing. I was responding to something Jack said. Where was I? Oh, right. Why don't you tell me what happened, and I'll see if I can help." She shrugged at Jack. She then mouthed, "What do I do?"

"I think it's because I poked her in the eye, or maybe it's when I stepped on her birth control pills, or, I don't know..."

"Hmmm. Maybe you should have quit while you were ahead." She turned to Jack, trying to suppress a giggle.

Jack asked, "What?"

Angela waved her hand to keep him quiet and held up a finger for him to just wait. "And, how _exactly_ did you manage to step on her birth control pills?"

"It's a long story. Hell, maybe she's pissed that I was waving her bra around out in the driveway like it was a flag. I don't know. But, Angela, you have to help me fix it."

Angela was stunned. "You were waving her bra around out in the _driveway? Why?_"

"Her suitcase fell open. Who buys a suitcase without a zipper? Honestly." He sighed and ran a hand through his hair.

Angela looked at Jack, who simply looked confused and mouthed, 'birth control pills'. "Sweetie, hold on. I hate to do this, but I have someone on the other line. Just give me a minute, okay?" She switched lines, covered the mouthpiece, looked at Jack and said, "What the hell is wrong with the two of them?"

"I don't know. Did I hear you right that he was waving her underwear around outside?"

Rolling her eyes, Angela nodded. "It's a long story." She took a deep breath and moved her hand away from the phone. "Sweetie, you still there?"

"Angela! I was starting to think you'd hung up on me!"

"No, honey. I wouldn't do that during a crisis. Now, where were we?"

"You're supposed to be helping me fix things with Booth!" Angela had never heard her sound more anxious. She tried to say something, but Brennan continued, "I mean, I really shouldn't be surprised. First I gave him a hard time about his socks, then I made fun of his food and then I burped on him. I wouldn't want to kiss me, either."

"Um, Bren, maybe you should start from the beginning. Take a deep breath, and tell me everything that happened."

"What was that about socks and food?" Jack leaned toward the phone and tried to listen in, but Angela just waved him away as she listened to Brennan's commentary. At each point, Angela would say them aloud, Jack's eyes growing larger with each incident.

Several minutes later, Brennan stopped talking, but Angela didn't respond. "Ange? Are you there? Did you hear me?"

Jack poked Angela in the arm. "Stop laughing at the poor woman and answer her!"

Angela wiped tears from her face as she took a calming breath. Her voice was still strained as she responded, "I'm still here, and yes I heard you. I'm just trying to think." Hodgins snorted, and she hit him again.

"Ow! I'm going to have a bruise in the morning because of you."

"Shh! Let me think for a min – " Her phone beeped. "Damn it." She looked down and frowned when she saw Booth's number. "Bren, hang on a minute."

"Angela, I was beginning to think I lost you," Booth said as the artist came back on the line. "What do I need to do? I've never been in a situation like this before."

"Why don't you tell me everything, and I'll let you know what I come up with." She said, trying to suppress her giggles. As Booth started in, Angela noticed his list of snafus was completely different from that of Brennan's. As Booth went through the evening, the artist covered the mouthpiece and turned to Hodgins. "They're so worried about their own actions, they aren't thinking about the other's."

Jack nodded. "That sounds about right. But, how do you get them to see that without letting on that you're talking to both of them?"

Angela shrugged and turned her attention to the phone as Booth wrapped up his story.

"So, now I'm hiding out in the bathroom talking to you. What do I do, Angela? I simply can't accept that there's really nothing there between us."

With a sigh, Angela started to reply, "Booth, I'm not sure what to say. I mean, I really think it might just be because – " She groaned as her phone started to beep. "Hand on, Booth." She clicked to the other line without looking at the caller ID. "Bren hang on, I'll be right back with you, okay?"

"But, Angela..." All she heard was silence on the other end of the line. Brennan sighed. What was taking Booth so long to get those towels? Surely he should have come back by now, although it's probably good that he was taking his time..._Oh, God, what if he doesn't want to be around me at all?_

"Booth? Did you get the towels?" She didn't get a response. "Booth?" When he still didn't answer, she walked down the hall to see if he was okay. His bedroom door was open, and the room was empty. However, she saw a light on under the bathroom door, so she knocked. "Booth?'

Booth jumped at the sound as it seemed to echo in the small room. "Shit!" He hissed into the phone. "Just a minute, Bones!" He could hear Angela calling his name through the phone.

"I just thought you'd been gone an awfully long time. Are you okay?"

Booth looked up and asked for divine assistance. "Yeah. I'm fine. I'm still going to be a few minutes." He realized he was sitting on the toilet and said the first thing that came to mind before he could stop himself. "You sure were right about those burritos." He heard Angela groan on the other end of the line.

Brennan made a face and retreated from the door. At least it wasn't because he didn't want to be around her.

Booth sighed as Angela got back on the line.

"Are you trying to make things worse?"

"What was I supposed to do, tell her I was getting advice from you?" Booth hissed into the phone, hoping that Brennan had left his room.

"In all honesty, Booth, I think the two of you should just get some sleep and discuss this in the morning."

"No, we can't just sleep on this!" Angela's phone beeped again.

"Damn! Hang on Booth." She clicked over. "What?"

"What do you mean, what? Angela, you're supposed to be helping me here!"

Angela winced as Jack gave her a pointed look. "Bren, sweetie, I'm sorry. I have another…friend…that's having problems tonight. So, I'm trying to help both of you as best I can. Look, why don't the both of you just get a good night's sleep. Trust me, when you wake up in the morning, this is just going to be a funny thing to laugh about. Everything will be fine."

"Angela, we can't just go to sleep without talking about this!"

Angela rolled her eyes heavenward. _This is what I get for praying for patience, I just know it.  
_  
"Then why don't you let him go all caveman on you, and have him throw you over his shoulder, take you to the room, and have his way with you. That'll knock the awkward right out of the way."

Jack looked at Angela with raised eyebrows. "Can I try that," he asked, then moved before she could smack him again.

"Bren? Brennan, did you hear me?" She looked at her phone. "Bren?" Angela looked at Jack. "I think she hung up." Her eyes widened. "Oh, God." She quickly clicked to the other line. "Booth! Are you there?"

"I'm here. What's going on?" Booth could hear Brennan coming back down the hallway. Angela covered the mouthpiece of the phone and looked at Jack.

"Why did I have to go for sarcasm?" She sighed and steeled her resolve. If she put her foot in her mouth once, she might as well do it a second time. "You know Booth, I think you just need to go all caveman on her."

"What, you mean like throw her over my shoulder, take her to my room and have my way with her?"

"It'll knock the awkward right out of the equation," she said, slightly defeated. _I hope._


	4. Chapter 4 And it continues

**Ch 4**

A/N: (Goldpiece) Due to the nature of this chapter, we have been asked by the Council Against Caveman Defamation to issue a public service announcement. (Siapom) Cavemen might not have had the technology that we do today, but that didn't make them uncultured brutes, right Dr. Brennan? (Dr. Temperance Brennan) That's right. The Neanderthal was as cultured as Homo Sapiens, and while most lived in family groups in caves for protection from the elements, that didn't mean that they had no respect for the other members of their family groups. They were skilled, showed a respect for the dead, and were quick learners, just like modern humans. (Goldpiece) Thank you Dr. Brennan. And with that, I hope you enjoy this next installment of 'Well, this is Awkward'. (Siapom) And pressing that little button at the bottom is always nice too. (Goldpiece) What she said.

Booth listened as the footsteps got closer to the bathroom. _Damn, what do I do?_ He stood up and took a deep, resolving breath before flinging open the door. Brennan jumped back slightly as the door opened toward her. 

"Bones!" He hadn't expected her to be right there. After her initial look of surprise, he noticed her peeking into the bathroom behind him.

"You did, uh..." she began, motioning toward the toilet.

"Huh?..OH! Right. 'Cause I was going to the bathroom, so I would want to do that." He turned around and flushed the toilet. When he turned back to face Brennan, she was giving him the funniest look. "What? I swear that I normally flush the toilet after each use."

With that, he turned his back to her and began to wash his hands. _Might as well go through all the motions._ He tried to fight the eye roll that was threatening, especially when he looked into the mirror and saw her smirk at him. _Oh, now she's asking for it_, he thought as he dried off his hands.

"What? Don't _you_ wash your hands after you," he waved at the toilet, "you know."

She jerked her head to meet his gaze in the mirror. "What? Of course I do!"

"That's good to know, Bones. So, what brings you to my bathroom?" _How do I do this? Angela might have specified. After all, I could get my ass kicked here!_

"I, uh, that is..." she stuttered for a moment before grabbing both sides of his face and planting her lips onto his. No sparks be damned. Brennan could feel the kiss in her toes. 

Booth wrapped his arms around her waist, partially to prevent him falling over, and partially to get a boost. As he broke his lips from hers, he flung her over his shoulder and in his best caveman voice said...

"Unnnga. Captain CAAAVVVEEEMAAAN! To the rescu – "

"Ouch!"

Booth stepped back and turned sideways. "Oh god, I'm sorry. Is your foot okay? I didn't think about the doorway. It looks kinda red. Do you need some ice?"

"Booth! Watch out for my…"

CRACK. A strangeld yelp escaped Temperance before she began seeing stars. Her head collided with the doorway as he turned, concentrating on her injured foot.

"Oh god, oh god, oh god, I'm so sorry!" He gently set her to the ground, catching her as her ankle buckled beneath her.

"How about I just take you on the bed. I mean to the bed!"

Brennan hobbled on one foot, holding Booth's arm with one hand while rubbing her head with the other. "That's fine. Either is fine, really, if it means you'll stop beating me up with the door frame."

Booth snickered, but only a moment before he forced himself to sober up. Her head and foot were hurt, damn it. He didn't need to be laughing at her as well. But then there was the comment, either. Maybe he could still try a little caveman something or other.

He set her down gently and worked his hands over her injured parts, making sure they were okay before he looked back at her face.

She was grinning broadly. "So, Captain whatever-it-was, is that really your idea of a rescue attempt? Because I have a few recommendations for your next attempt."

He leaned down to gently kiss her temple, wincing when he felt the beginnings of a bump. Speaking against her skin he answered, "Not really. And, it's Captain Caveman to you, woman."

She chuckled as she brought her hand up to run her fingers through his hair. As she moved her hand to the nape of his neck, he gasped and pulled away rubbing his neck. She started to ask what was wrong, but then saw the hairs stuck in the links of her bracelet.

"Oh, are you okay?" she asked, trying desperately to suppress a laugh. She shifted until she was sitting on her heels, trying to ascertain the pulled hair damage.

"Female quiet now," Booth spoke as he reached down and smacked her on the rear. She gasped and began to giggle in earnest. Sure that he'd made his point, Booth turned around to examine the sore spot on his neck in the mirror.

_Damn that hurt. _He rubbed his fingers over the red spot, hoping it would lessen the sting. It didn't.

Brennan, starting to feel neglected, decided that it was time to draw his attention back to the task at hand. _After all, I'm the one who won't be able to stand on my own two feet in the morning. _So, she reached over and gently curled her fingers around his butt, sliding one finger along the seam of his pants. Not expecting her to do that, Booth jumped about three feet and let out a high pitched yelp that had Brennan laughing in a second.

"Oh, you're going to pay for that!"

"Oh really? And just what do you intend to do about it, Caveman?"

Booth walked over to her, his hand resting on the button of his jeans. "Oh, I don't know. I'll think of something. But, right now, I have more important matters that we need to address."

"You do? And what might those matters entail?" Moving further onto the bed, she leaned back, intending to pose enticingly. But, she miscalculated and her hand slipped off the other side, causing her to squeal as her body smacked onto the bed.

Booth gasped, and watched in what seemed to be slow motion as Tempe flailed her arms and legs, trying desperately to stay on the small sliver of mattress holding her up. Alas, it was in vain. Her hipbone slipped off the bed, sending her crashing to the floor. Though he tried desperately to not laugh, the sound escaped as he jogged to her side to help her up. She was rubbing her hip and wincing at the tender flesh there.

"It's not funny, Booth." She glared as he only laughed harder. When his response was "I beg to differ," she slapped away his offered hand and attempted to stand on her own. Unfortunately, she'd forgotten about her injured ankle. It collapsed under her weight, and she grabbed for something to help keep her upright. What she caught was the top of Booth's unbuttoned pants. As she fell backward, she tugged on the pants, only to have the zipper slide down…

"AAAAAGGGGGHHHHH! OWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOW!" Booth tried desperately to move, but the hairs caught in his zipper only pulled more because she had yet to let go of it. "Bones, for the love of all things holy, let go!"

"Booth, what in the hell is your problem? It's your fault that my ankle hurts!" She tugged on his pants for added emphasis.

He gasped and turned a rather sickly shade of red. "OwletgopleasedearGodletgoplease."

She dropped her hands from his pants. "Booth, _what_ is wrong with you?"

"Hair." It came out as a squeak. Brennan looked at the zipper and saw two tiny hairs caught there. Her eyes widened with the realization of what that had to mean.

"I didn't think you'd be the type to go commander."

With watering eyes, Booth bent over and cupped his injured body protectively. He opened his mouth to correct her, but only a groan escaped.

"Booth?" She watched as he opened and closed his mouth uselessly. "Maybe you better sit down. She moved over to make room on the bed. "Here. Sit. Can I get you anything? Do you want some ice?"

His eyes opened wide in alarm.

"What? What's wrong?" He just shook his head in response. Very gingerly, he reached behind the zipper to hold himself still. Brennan reached over to help, but it only earned her a slap on the wrist and a glare.

"Maybe you could just keep your hands to yourself for a minute while I make sure the boys are still in working order?"

Brennan gaped. "Wouldn't that work better if I helped? I mean, unless you prefer that I just watch."

Booth opened his mouth, but couldn't think of a single thing to say.


	5. Chapter 5 In the Jungle

_AN: Ducks behind Siapom So sorry it's been so long since we've updated this. (Siapom) Yeah, honestly, we really are. But as a token of our absolute sincerity we're offering everyone some chocolate-covered Booths. (Goldy) Because those always make everything better._

Brennan looked at Booth, waiting for his response. When it wasn't forthcoming, she asked, "What? Why are you looking at me like that?"

Booth blinked. "What?" He couldn't rid himself of the image… Tempe sitting on the bed, wetting her lips as she watched him move his hand –

"We could just cut right through them."

His gaze snapped to her – she couldn't mean... "Huh? Cut what them?" He tried to slide away from her only to realize the zipper was still caught. "Aaaaiiee! Ohmygod. Can't move. Definitely no moving. Holy hell that hurts!" He then tried the zipper again, only to realize that was definitely not a good idea. As his complexion turned a ghostly white, he squeaked, "help".

Tempe looked at him with concern. "Booth, are you sure you're okay?" As he shook his head no, she repeated her idea. "In that case maybe we should just cut them off."

He tried to glare, but only managed a grimace of pain as the hairs got tugged once more.

"Really, I can just go get some scissors and you'll be done with the problem." At the mention of scissors, his eyes widened, tears springing to them as he tried desperately to stop the pain. "Look, those hairs aren't going to free themselves so either I cut them or..."

"Hair," he squeaked, finally catching on. With a brief nod he closed his eyes.

Tempe just looked at him. "Of course, the hair! What did you think I meant?"

"Nothing." Booth gestured toward the nightstand and then gasped since it had caused him to move his tortured tender areas. "Scissors. In there." Moving his hand back to cup his injury, he continued, "Hurry it up, already!"

Brennan scooched toward the top of the bed, ignoring Booth as he whimpered. "I am hurrying!" Shaking her head, she reached to open the drawer. "Now I know why Angela keeps saying that all men are babies."

Brennan dug through the nightstand, wondering at first what could have prompted him to keep scissors in his bedside table. She moved items aside, looking at them briefly as she searched for the shears...a box of condoms, mostly there. _Doesn't look like he's been particularly active lately. Oh, what's this?_ She picked up the item to look at it, ignoring the small whimpers coming from Booth for the moment. As she wrapped her fingers around the fuzzy shape, it started to shake. _What the…?_ And then the noise started.

Booth's eyes flew wide open as the first roar filled the air. _Oh hell!_

"I can explain."

With a choked laugh, Tempe extracted the vibrating and roaring thong underwear from the recesses of the drawer. Turning it over in her hand, she found the maw of a lion on the front and burst out laughing.

"They were a gift, I swear! I would never..."

"Uh huh, and why exactly were they in your nightstand drawer?" Brennan looked at them and started to laugh again. Booth reached up to grab at them but stopped mid motion as his delicates were pulled once more.

"Could you please just...the scissors?" he gasped out. Brennan took one more look at the novelty underwear and threw them to the ground. She continued to dig through the drawer, glancing only briefly at the tube of lubricant. She really didn't want to know why it was in there. As her fingers closed around the scissors, she smiled triumphantly.

"Ah ha!" She pulled them out and brandished them in the air. "Found 'em." Turning to face Booth, she opened them and turned the points down in a no nonsense manner. "This'll just take a moment." She thrust toward the tiny gap between the zipper and his skin.

It was in that moment that Booth dropped his tough guy demeanor...well what was left of it anyway and let out a shriek any schoolgirl would have been proud of. Brennan looked at him in surprise as he jerked the scissors from her hand.

"Booth what the..."

"No offense Bones, but when it comes to my boys and pointy objects, I'll do the honors." Gently and oh so slowly, he maneuvered the scissors into the waistband of his jeans.

Very gently Booth slid the scissors along the zipper before oh so cautiously closing them… And sagging in relief as the painful tugging sensation finally ended. "Oh, that feels good."

Tempe's eyebrows shot straight up at the thought of Booth liking sharp metal objects around his –

"Oh, that feels so much better." He withdrew the scissors and slowly moved his zipper the rest of the way down.

Her mouth opened in a silent "O". "You only meant…" She waved her hand towards his pants. "Never mind."

"What did you think I meant," he asked as he tossed the scissors to the side. Brennan let out a small cry as the scissors ricocheted off of her bare foot and hit the ground. "Jesus Bones, I'm sorry..." Booth leaned forward to look at her foot, but she sat up, reaching for it at the same time. Her elbow collided with his face, hitting his eye.

"Ow! What the hell was that for!?" Booth, rolled to his back, one hand covering his eye while the other reached up to fend off her reaching hand. Brennan grabbed his hand before he could knock hers away. Reaching out to probe the area over his brow, she asked, "Are you okay? I'm sorry. Does it hurt?"

"It does when you press on it. Ow. Stop that." Booth tried to bat her away so he could protect himself from further attack. She just tutted and repositioned herself so that she was straddling his hips as she took a better look at his eye.

Booth looked up at her and stilled as he became more aware of her position.

"That's going to bruise. Maybe you should just tell people you got in a fight."

"Uh huh."

She dropped her hips down as she leaned in closer. "Are you sure you don't want ice for this part of you, at least? It'll help with the swelling." She ran her fingertips down the side of his face, checking for the telltale bump that was bound to appear.

"Uh huh." Booth realized it didn't answer her, but it was all he could think of as she moved ever so slightly, her bottom now pressed firmly against him. Brennan rocked against him as she sat up. She moved to swing her leg off of him, but he instead grabbed her hips to hold her in place. Brennan raised her eyebrows in surprise, but quickly realized the arrangement. One side of her mouth quirked up as she rocked against him once more, placing her hands firmly on his stomach and leaned down to hold her weight on him. Booth frowned for a moment as pressure built on his stomach, realizing too late what it meant.

"Bones," he groaned, trying desperately to remove her hands, but she only pressed harder.

"You like that," she murmured and rocked once more, pausing as she heard the sound. The flatulence was strong enough to vibrate through both of them. Booth locked his eyes with hers and looked horrified. With a gasp, Brennan rolled off of him, hoping it didn't cause another expulsion of air. Then, as the smell from the original blast hit her, she started to cough.

"I don't know what to say." Booth turned to his side to face her, patting her on the back as she continued to try to catch her breath. "Excuse me doesn't really seem like it's enough."

Brennan pulled her hand away from her mouth, swallowing another coughing fit. "It's okay. Really."

"Really, that was..."

"No, I understand. But don't say I didn't..." She was interrupted as yet another fart squeaked its way out. Her eyes widened, and his face flushed. Then they both burst out laughing, accompanied by a few more comments from Booth's dinner.

Each time the laughter got under control, they'd look at each other and start to laugh again. Soon they were clutching their sides as tears streamed down their faces. Finally as the giggles got under control, Brennan rolled slightly to look at Booth, an amused smile on her face.

"Think you're done, yet?"

Booth reached behind his back and said, "Hush, woman." He then brought his arm around in a wide arc, smacking her in the face with the pillow he'd grabbed.

"That wasn't very nice," she huffed and grabbed a pillow of her own. She hit him back, harder than he'd swung at her. Pillows flew back and forth with Booth gaining ground very quickly.

As she swung at him, she leaned back too far and tumbled backwards off the bed. Her head hit the floor with a sharp crack.

"Ow!"

"Bones?" Booth scrambled across the bed and peered over the side. "You okay? That sounded like it really hurt."

She looked up at him dazedly. "Yeah." She sat up a bit and shook her head slightly, not understanding why it felt as though it was buzzing. That wasn't a normal head injury feeling, and then she heard a roar.

"Get it off me," she squealed, pulling at the novelty underwear.

"Get what of- " Booth stopped talking as the underwear pulled taut and then snapped like a slingshot…right into his face. He tried to swat them off of his head, but that only caused the mechanical roar to start all over again. Finally getting them off, he batted them around, trying to get them as far away as possible, but they only succeeded in landing square on his crotch, roaring one more time.

"Gah," he exclaimed before finally flinging them across the room where they caught the doorknob.

By the time Brennan's laughter at his struggles with the underwear had started to fade, he'd managed to get down on the floor beside her. "Are you sure you're okay?" He held up three fingers. "How many fingers am I holding up?"

She gave a combination of a giggle and a snort before grabbing his hand with her own. "Stop that! I'm fine."

Shaking his hand loose, he put the three fingers back in the air. "I'm serious, Bones. That was a nasty hit. How many fingers am I holding up?"

With a sigh, Brennan turned her head to the side, slightly distracted by Booth's gaping jeans. "Unfortunately, not four."

"Huh?" Booth followed her gaze down and noticed where she was staring. His lips curled up in a smile and he leaned closer to her. "Like what you see, do you?"

Brennan smirked. "I think I'd like the view a little better if we could ever get those jeans off. Think that can be managed?"

Chuckling, Booth started to stand. "Maybe. If we're very, very careful." Once upright, he leaned down and gingerly helped Brennan from the floor, thinking that maybe they could make this work after all.


	6. Chapter 6 Last call for alcohol

Disclaimer: They aren't ours. We just play with them and put them back where we found them.

A/N: (siapom and goldpiece) Hi, everyone! (siapom) So, to keep with tradition, I'll start by apologizing for the delay in posting this next chapter. Again, it's all my fault. It's that whole RL thing that gets in the way. (goldpiece) Don't worry. I'm sure they understand how it is. Right, everyone? Anyone? Anyone at all?

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Booth helped her back onto the bed, sitting her on the edge as he stood in front of her. He reached for the waistband of his jeans and started to tug when Brennan reached up to stop him.

"Let me do that," she said and ran her fingers along his skin before grasping the denim.

With a smirk he dropped his hands to her shoulders. "I think I like you being bossy in the bedroom."

Opening her eyes wide, she looked up with an air of innocence. "You didn't strike me as that type, Booth." She jerked the jeans down the sides of his hips. "But, I might be able to oblige."

Suddenly the smirk was gone, and instead he swallowed just a little bit before the image of her in a leather corset, black thong, garter belt and thigh highs invaded his mind. With a flourish, she brandished a riding crop and smacked it hard against her own hip. Bossy in the bedroom? Hell yes, she could be bossy whenever she wanted.

"Looks like you know how to rise to the occasion," Temperance said.

Eyes darkening, he squared his shoulders and said, "I'm here to serve, ma'am."

"Hmmm, we'll see," she answered as she pushed his jeans further down his hips. With a smirk, she leaned forward just a bit and blew onto him, giggling slightly as he twitched in response. Booth gulped as he watched her expression. He had no doubts that the woman would be the death of him if he let her…especially if she did that again.

The woman in Brennan cheered as she noted Booth's dilated pupils and hitched breathing. But, as always, the scientist also wanted to have her say, so she started a little experiment. She lightly licked one fingertip before reaching out and delicately running it along the solid length of him. Then, she leaned closer and blew along the same line, but with a flutist's touch so that the swirl of air was cool instead of hot.

Booth gasped and his entire body tensed under the cool assault on his erection. He shut his eyes and leaned his head back, grasping onto Temperance's forearms for some semblance of support as she did it again. Now, he thought, we're getting somewhere.

Brennan sat back to observe the results of her little test, and she liked what she saw. Booth's body was tense, to the point where she knew she'd have light finger print shaped marks from where he was gripping her arms. Tilting her head she smiled. If he thought that was intense, he hadn't seen anything, yet. There were definitely bonuses to having an intimate knowledge of the human body.

Booth waited for her next move with baited breath. This was intense. He wrinkled his brow however when he felt himself being maneuvered in a circle and forced to sit down.

"Bones?"

"Shhhh." She then took her time running her hands down the outside of his legs, taking his pants down to his ankles. She pulled the jeans off one leg at a time, pausing to gently caress his legs or squeeze his thighs, his calves and finally running her fingers up the bottom of his feet as she reached for the tops of his socks.

"What are you doing," he asked as he felt her circle a finger around his ankle before hitching it under the edge of his 'lucky' socks.

"Socks on during sex is a bit of a turnoff," she answered before pulling it off of his foot. Booth frowned and wiggled his toes a bit.

"But my feet will get cold."

Brennan raised a brow in disbelief. "Your main concern is your feet getting cold?"

"I don't like having chilly tootsies."

"Oh. Well if that's the only problem..." She leaned down to blow warm air on his exposed toes. Covering the now warmed distal phalanges, she said, "There. Does that help?"

Booth grinned and nodded, while Brennan rolled her eyes. Men. She spread his thighs open a little more and slid between them. Now for something a little different, she thought as she lowered her head and closed her lips around his tip.

And Booth just knew that this was his own version of Heaven. It had to be. Then all thought left him as she took him further into her mouth, suckling softly as she moved back and forth along his length. And when she added just a touch of teeth, he nearly died.

Really. He nearly died. At least that's what his brain told him as he began screaming.

Brennan had never imagined Booth to be a screamer - he'd always seemed too reserved regarding sex - so that sound scared her to death. Startled, she jerked and lost her grip on his thighs. The quick drop toward the floor wouldn't have been so bad except that she had just set her teeth against Booth for another stroke back.

He let out a howl for real this time, wanting to desperately pull away but knowing that would be the worst thing possible at the moment. His brain seemed to be on a misfire as the stream of expletives escaped his mouth.

Temperance inhaled and began to choke by the move. She pulled away from him, coughing and gasping for air.

Booth was torn between wanting to slap her on the back and wanting to guard his penis from further accidental injury. Trying for both, he mistakenly rubbed Brennan's back and slapped himself, instead. Right on top of the slightly bloody abrasions. Another stream of garbled expletives flew from his mouth, and Brennan struggled up to her feet and reached for him to assess the damage. He slapped her hands away and backed across the bed to get away from her.

She reached again, and he squeaked.

"Booth! Let me look! Do you need a doctor?"

He paled at the idea of explaining this to his physician. "No! It's just a scratch." He looked down and wiped away some blood. "Well, a few scratches. Damn your teeth are sharp."

"You make me sound like I'm a vampire or something, although I admit to having extraordinarily long canids when I was a child. Now let me see what happened." She moved his hands away despite his protests and looked at his penis for herself. "These scratches will need to be cleaned."

"Oh, no you don't!" He scooched back even further out of reach. As she tried to stop him, he moved back so fast that he smacked his head against the headboard when he ran out of room.

"Booth, I'm not arguing about this." Brennan stood up to head for his bathroom to look for some antiseptic. "Bacteria can get into those scratches and cause an infection. Now, where do you keep your hydrogen peroxide?"

Booth could hear her rummaging around in his medicine cabinet and under the sink. "I don't have any," he ground out, his teeth gritted at the thought of the liquid fire she was planning to douse his penis with.

"You have a small child! How do you not have hydrogen peroxide?"

Booth heard her huffing and mumbling as she rummaged around in the cabinet under the sink. His eyes widened as he heard a muffled, "Ah ha!" He couldn't imagine what she thought she had found. That is until a triumphant Brennan emerged from the bathroom with one hand full of cotton balls and a bottle of rubbing alcohol gripped in the other.

"No, no, no, absolutely not. You are not putting rubbing alcohol on my private parts." Booth shook his head with a surprising amount of vehemence in Brennan's opinion. Didn't he know she just had his best interests at heart? It wasn't like she was Annie Wilkes or Nurse Ratchett.

"But, Booth - "

"No!" He covered himself with his hands and bent his legs up to protect himself even further.

"Now you're just being ridiculous. It's not going to hurt that badly." She proceeded to unscrew the top of the bottle as she crossed the room, but had forgotten about the jeans on the floor. As she stepped forward, her foot landed squarely in an open pant leg, ensnaring her foot. She pitched forward, the alcohol flying out of the bottle, and Booth scrambled backwards to avoid the torture she was trying to put him through. Unfortunately he misjudged the distance and fell off the other side of the bed, his arms and legs flailing as he slipped backwards. Brennan hit the bed with an oomph just as Booth hit the floor with a thud. And then, as the streaming liquid arced over the bed and landed with a splash, Booth started to scream.

"Ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow! What the hell! I said no! I said no alcohol! Jesus."

"Ohhhh." Brennan moaned as she rubbed her already aching head. Now she'd have three bumps. One from the bathroom door, the floor and one from the headboard. "And I didn't even get to have fun doing it."

"Well, I'd think not! You're freaking torturing me!"

Brennan rolled her eyes and then glared. "I'm talking about my head, not yours!"

Both stood, glaring at each other from opposite sides of the king size bed. Brennan still held the bottle, though she now had a couple of cotton balls stuck to her hair, and Booth kept himself cupped protectively as if it would stave off any more evil plans for the evening.

Blowing a piece of hair off of her face, Brennan narrowed her eyes. "Well if you're not going to let me help you, then I guess we're done here." She spun on her heel and stalked toward the bathroom.

Booth opened his mouth to protest and instead started to laugh. He clutched at his sides and threw back his head, the genuine guffaws drawing Temperance's attention back to him.

"What is wrong with you?"

"I think we were done before we even got started."

"Huh?"

Booth sighed and sat gingerly onto the bed. "Bones, tonight was never meant to be." When she paled he rushed on, "I'm not saying it shouldn't happen at all. Just...apparently not tonight. Maybe next time we should plan to - I don't know - sleep beforehand. Or maybe safety proof the room or something."

"Eat mashed potatoes and drink water?" She moved back to the bed and sat down as well, setting the alcohol and cotton balls on the bedside table.

"That's the spirit," he grinned. "And," he continued, "I think we should each invest in a muumuu. Modern clothing is obviously hazardous to our health and well being."

At that mental image, Brennan burst into laughter. It didn't take long for Booth to join in. Once they'd calmed down, they each moved to sit against the headboard, and he took her hand in his.

"Hmmm," she said, "maybe not muumuus, but clothing is definitely a no no next time." She yawned and leaned her head against his shoulder as he traced soothing circles on the back of her hand.

"Deal. Next time, no clothes."

She chuckled, and he smiled like he'd won the prize at the carnival. He half-turned so that he could brush the hair away from her face, removing a few cotton balls as he went. When she looked up, he slowly started to lean forward. Then he stopped, placed his hands on her face and said, "Now you hold still. I'm going to kiss you and don't want any more injuries." As he moved his lips against hers, he suddenly pulled back. "You're not going to bite me again, are you?"

"Booth, just kiss me." She glared at him until he leaned in once more, their lips touching. Now this was more like it, Booth thought, as he tried to deepen the kiss, only there was a slight problem. Brennan wasn't really responding. Curious, he pulled back to look at her.

"Unbelievable," he said.

As he eased Brennan down onto the bed, he took his time smoothing her hair and making sure she looked comfortable. He then moved to lie beside her, curling his arm over her stomach, loving the feel of her breathing against his bare chest. Then, just as he started to drift off himself, she began to snore.


	7. Chapter 7 Handcuffs of love

Disclaimer: They aren't ours. We just play with them and put them back where we found them. (Warning: Regular wear and tear should be expected.)

A/N: Um, I'll just let you read. (Siapom) We were going to end it here, but well, we thought breaking it up was better. (Goldpiece) Yeah, so we will hopefully have another update soon. Enjoy.

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Temperance was woken up quite rudely in her opinion as a pair of size ten ice cubes pressed against her calves. Reaching over her back, the hit the source of the coldness and was rewarded with an outraged gasp.

"Get your feet off of me," she mumbled and rolled over, trying once again to get comfortable.

Unfortunately, just as she snuggled into her pillow, the ice came back. Jerking closer to the edge of the bed, she gave a frustrated growl, and smacked blindly behind her back with one hand before drifting back to sleep. After having stayed awake for almost two full days, even Booth's hiss of pain didn't wake her again. That is until the unmistakable click of handcuffs closing somehow seeped into her consciousness. At first she thought it was part of the erotic dream she'd been flirting with on and off, but as she tried to roll over, reality came crashing down on her. She jerked awake, wrenching her arms that were handcuffed to the headboard. Confused, she looked around to find Booth standing over her in a pair of boxers that had a rooster on the front of them as he smirked down at her.

"What the hell are you doing Booth," she yelled.

"Just trying to make sure you won't hurt me again."

She yanked against the cuffs. "So you handcuffed me?!" She pulled again, but all she succeeded in accomplishing was bruising her wrist. "Take these off!"

Booth stood unsteadily on the bed looking down and shaking his head. With one leg on either side of her knees he held up one finger and waggled it in an I-don't'think-so motion. "Nope. Those," he pointed to the cuffs, "are there to protect my poor manhood from further abuse."

Moving awkwardly to sit up, Brennan glared at his crotch. "Just wait. Once that worm comes back out of the rooster's beak I'm going to do more than scratch it!" She flailed one leg toward his kneecap.

Booth maneuvered out of the way and shook his head. "I don't think so Bones. Nope, for my own protection my privates have temporarily become a 'no bite zone'." Booth's eyes widened as Brennan growled and pulled against the handcuffs again.

"Go put a sock on it Booth!"

Booth's sudden and overwhelming guffaw sent Brennan into a new struggle. Unsure if she was trying to get free to just nab some part of his anatomy of her own, Booth scrambled backward and off of the bed. He had never seen his Temperance so enraged, but still he couldn't stop laughing. Once he'd finally managed a few whooping breaths, he stood up and turned to his dresser.

"Bones, I think you meant, put a sock _in_ it. But, still, the other probably isn't a bad idea either.' He cast a suspicious glance at her over his shoulder. "Just in case you get loose and come after me with those pointy teeth of yours."

"My teeth are not pointy. I resent the implication that they're any more pointy than is normal."

"Oh, I beg to differ. You, after all, weren't the one who got bit." He turned to face the dresser again and opened up one of the drawers. As he riffled through, looking for just the right sock, Brennan looked again at Booth's shorts. Not only did they have a rooster on the front, the word 'cocky' was emblazoned on the back of them.

"Did those come with the belt buckle," she couldn't help but ask.

He paused in his search, turning a full circle to show off his prized undies. "Yep!"

She rolled her eyes. "You don't have to sound so proud, Booth. They're just underwear." She waited until he turned back to the drawer and mumbled, "Of course, they're also gaudy and scream 'look at me', which isn't surprising."

Booth, too distracted by his sock hunt, chose to ignore her. He picked up the sock that matched the boxers, but threw it back down and continued the search.

"So, um what exactly will make you remove these handcuffs?"

Booth looked up once before he turned back to the sock drawer. "Oh, I don't know. Do you promise not to hurt me anymore?"

"I didn't mean to hurt you in the first place. Come on Booth, let me go." She rattled the chains once more to make her point.

He turned, a sock in each hand, and considered her before shaking his head. "Nope. Not yet." He dropped the socks onto the dresser and shoved his hand to the back of the drawer. "I want to make sure you have time to consider your actions before I let you loose, and I have to be in the proper protective gear before I come back over there. After all, we're not finished – Ah ha!" He twirled around, triumphantly waving a bright red sock in the air.

Brennan's eyes opened in amazement. "Does that say…?"

Booth looked at the sock he was waving in the air and grinned. "Yup, it says 'tickle me'. Care to follow its advice?" He reached into his boxers and slid the sock over his privates. Brennan gaped for a moment before she started to laugh.

"I can't believe you just did that."

He posed, turning first to one side and then the other. "Why not, Bones? You can never been too careful where my manlihood is involved."

"In that case, since you're now feeling safe, would you please let me go?"

He nodded and grinned and then reached for his pants. As he fished around for the key, he frowned. It had to be here somewhere. Brennan didn't like the look on his face and tried to sit up a little more, once again wrenching her arms.

"Booth, where's the key. You have the key, right?"

"Um, Houston, we've got a problem."

"What do you mean 'we've got a problem'? I'm the one handcuffed to the bed!" She watched as Booth got down on his knees, his COCKY ass sticking up in the air, as he looked under the bed. "Booth! Where in the hell are the keys?"

Booth popped his head up long enough to say, "Just a sec," before dropping back to the floor. He crawled around the room, his sock covered manhood jiggling along, looking under furniture and shaking articles of clothing. No key.

"Booth."

He held up a finger to silence her, and continued to search.

"Booth!"

Um, give me a second," he said as he raced out of the room. Brennan moved from slightly perturbed to furious in one second.

"Seeley Booth, where the hell are the keys to your handcuffs?" She rattled the chains again, struggling to free herself from their grip. Booth stuck his head into the room looking sheepish.

"I uh, can't exactly find them." He winced at the stream of expletives coming from Brennan's mouth.

"Now, Bones, calm down." Wincing, he ran from the room. They had to be somewhere. He dashed to the living room and starting digging between the sofa cushions. All the while tossing placating comments toward the bedroom, where Brennan continued to call him every name in the book. One particularly imaginative comment caught his attention, and he turned to yell down the hallway, "I do NOT have to wear cocky underwear in order to compensate for a small penis!" Then, turning back to the couch, he realized the blinds over the bay windows were open…and his mailman was standing outside, staring in, mouth opened in a surprised "oh".

Booth quickly dropped out of sight and crawled along the floor, hoping that he'd be able to look the mailman in the eye the next time he needed to sign for something. He cursed as he made his way to the hall and stood back up. This was so not good. He cleared his throat before he stepped into the bedroom.

"Well?"

"I'm not exactly sure where they went."

When Brennan was silent, Booth opened his eyes. "Bones?"

"Dial Angela's number and hold up the phone to my ear."

Her voice was deceptively calm, so Booth wasn't sure he had heard her right. "Huh?"

Coming alive, Brennan jerked on her bonds and screamed, "Just dial the damn number, Booth! Now!"

He fumbled for his cell phone and hit dial. As he held up the phone, he was secretly very happy that Temperance's hands were otherwise occupied or he knew she would be hitting him right about now. He counted the number of rings, and thought that Angela wasn't going to answer when it was finally answered with a sleepy, "H'lo?"

"Angela get all of your keys and get over to Booth's now."

Brennan looked up at Booth. "You can hang up, now."

Not wanting to argue with the woman who was trying to kill him with a look, he did as he was ordered, even though he could hear Angela on the other end saying, "What? Bren? Bren!" He snapped the phone closed.

"Um. How does that help?"

Brennan just glared, and tried to cross her arms. When the cuffs prevented even that, she stamped down on a scream and glared some more.

Across town, Jack turned to Angela to find out why she was scrambling out of the bed. "Wassa matter?'

"Bren needs my keys for some reason." Jack looked at her confused and then grinned. He hopped out of bed and grabbed a pair of pants.

"I'll go warm up the car."

"What? Jack, no. I can go on my own."

"Nuh-uh. After everything I sort of heard last night I'm not going to miss it for the world." Jack raced out of the room as Angela stared after him. It took a moment before she finally had a horrific thought.

"Jack Stanley Hodgins, you will not bring that video camera with you!"


	8. All Good things must come to an end

_AN: (Goldpiece) Well Siapom, here we are at the last chapter. (Siapom) I know. It's seems so odd to be ending this piece. (Goldpiece) Well, all good things must come to an end. (Siapom) Or in the case of Booth and Brennan, all not so good things. (Goldpiece) With that, I hope everyone enjoys._

Jack started the camera and climbed out of the Mini, panning slowly to capture the deceptively peaceful street scene.

"Jack, put that back in the car."

Ignoring Angela, he started to narrate his story in a hushed, academic tone of voice, "It's the early morning hours in a quiet suburb of Washington, D.C. We're outside the home of FBI Special Agent – Ow!" He rubbed his ear where Angela had twisted it.

"I told you to put that away."

"Oh come on Angie, when are we ever going to have an opportunity like this again? If we ever need a favor in the future..."

"Then they'll owe us enough just from us coming to rescue them from whatever the hell they've gotten themselves into." Jack looked at Angela with a pout.

"If I promise to turn the camera off will you let me bring it in?"

She held out her hand, motioning for him to hand it over. He pouted and gave his best sad puppy dog eyes. "Come on, Ange. Please? Pretty please?" Then, with a waggle of his brows, "I promise to put the sugar on top."

"Oh my God." She stopped and looked at him. "Do you seriously think that that's going to work with me?"

He leaned in to steal a kiss. "No, but I can always hope." He started to place the camera in her hand when out of the corner of his eye he spotted what looked like baby blue lingerie. "What's that?"

Angela turned to look where Jack pointed and choked. Lying on the concrete next to the SUV was a lacy demi-cup bra and a matching garter belt.

"Oh my God, what the hell went on here last night," she muttered as she picked up the bra. Jack watched as he tried to conceal the camera under his jacket. Angela stood and gave a small crook of her finger, calling Jack to her side.

Heeding her call he walked over, fully expecting that she'd take away the camera. Instead, she shoved the underwear in his direction with a curt, "Here." She then bent to pick up an earring as they made their way to the front door. Every few feet she had to stoop to retrieve another forgotten item. A sock. Keys. Brennan's favorite pen.

"A tampon?"

Angela shrugged and added it to the pile of junk that he was holding. Surreptitiously, Jack moved the camera out from under his coat. His finger slid over the power button and he cleared his throat a little as Angela sighed and pulled a black thong off of the bushes in front of the window.

"Here in this urban Serengeti we see the trail of a creature, highly sexual in nature." Angela appeared before the camera, not knowing he'd started the feed running again.

"You aren't starting with that nature expert thing again are you?"

With a wink, Jack panned the scene once more before moving in for a close-up of the thong. "Our query has left behind a trail of sorts, allowing us to follow and investigate its curious mating habits." He focused on the items in his hand as they made their way up the stairs and to the door. "See how the creature attempted to hide its trail by scattering a confusing array of items in its wake. However, as you can see," he refocused the camera so that he got a clear shot through the window of the red panties that were hanging from Parker's bike, "the trail becomes clear as we cross the threshold into the creature's natural habitat."

Angela knocked on the door and waited for a response from inside. Snickering, Jack turned the camera on himself. "We've got to be wary as we enter the habitat of the Alpha Male and his Mate. The creature is known to be possessive and can become quite angry when he feels his mate is in danger."

"Jack, you put that camera away or so help me..." The door swung open and Angela choked back a laugh as Booth stood there, flustered and in the rooster boxers. The sock covering his privates stuck out of the mouth of the rooster and in the background, they heard Brennan yell

"Angela! Get back here so I can kill him!"

Wide eyes moving back and forth between Booth's sock covered penis and the entrance to the hallway, Angela stood frozen in shock.

"Oh, this is even better than I'd imagined." Jack skipped back a few steps so that he could get a full frontal shot of Booth as he stood in the doorway, trying to usher the astonished Angela inside.

Booth tried to glare at the entomologist, but the effect was quite lost on him as Hodgins started to laugh outright. Booth just sighed and led Angela down the hallway as Jack followed behind trying not to shake the camera as he wiped tears from his eyes.

"The carnage in here is unbelievable, and it's hard to imagine what kind of struggle must have taken place for such damage to have been sustained." Jack panned over the living room where clothing and feminine items were strewn all over the place.

He picked up a lacy, red brassiere. "We can only hope that the female of the species came through the encounter physically intact." He twirled the bra on his fingertip before holding it up against himself. Slipping his arms through the holes he looked down, tilting his shoulders one way and then the other to see the effect the light had on the iridescent thread. "Hey, Ange. Do you think you could find one of these for yourself?"

"What?" She turned to look at him, her mouth opening and closing trying to come up with something to say before turning to look in the bedroom. Angela let out a squeak before she turned back to Hodgins once more. "Jack, turn that camera off right now!"

"What the hell is Hodgins doing here," Brennan bellowed from the room, rattling the handcuffs in the process. Hodgins eyes lit up as he made a mad dash for the room, camera at the ready. He hit the side of the doorway as he tried to skid to a stop. Bouncing sideways into the room, he was too focused on capturing the scene before him to pay attention to the floor. So, when his foot stopped on something vaguely puffy, he didn't pay any attention to it. Until it let out a roar and started to vibrate.

"What the...eeeeuuuuggghhh," he screeched and kicked the roaring thong up into the air. The group watched, fascinated as it flew up into the air, roaring as it went and landed squarely on Brennan's head. She squealed and struggled to get the thing off of her, but the handcuffs prevented it.

"Get it off. Get it off!"

Both Booth and Angela lunged for the bed, reaching for the vibrating thong. Just as the strap fell over Brennan's nose, Booth snatched it away; but as he drew his arm back he couldn't keep from bumping into Angela. She lost her balance and pin wheeled forward on top of Brennan. In an attempt to keep herself from falling directly on top of her best friend, Angela reached out for the closest handhold she could find.

"Aaaiiieeee! Angela let go! Deargodpleaseletgohurtssomuch!" He tried to pull away from the death grip Angela had on him, but too late realized that was the wrong thing to do. He let out another yell, his voice raising exponentially before the artist's reflexes kicked in and she let go.

Watching wide eyed in the corner with the camera raised, Hodgins said, "Crikey, the Alpha Male seems to have more on his hands than he can handle, or should I say..."

Forgetting everything else, Booth yanked off the sock in order to inspect his abused manhood. Turning it gently this way and that, he hissed when he saw that the scratches had started to bleed again. With a whimper, he patted at the blood with the sock.

"Oh my God. Booth, are you okay?" Angela reached out without thinking.

"Don't touch it," he shrieked.

"Booth's very sensitive about his..."

"Bones!"

"Dude, maybe that should have been your nickname, cause I mean whoa." Booth turned to glare at Hodgins, noticing for the first time that he not only had a camera, but that it was trained on him. And what was the bug man doing in Brennan's bra?

"Hodgins why are you wearing Bones' bra?"

As Hodgins started to answer, Brennan kicked her leg out at Booth, grinning in satisfaction when she managed to connect with his kneecap. "Who cares? Why isn't anyone helping me get out of these things?" She rattled the cuffs against the headboard.

"Huh?" For the first time since entering the room, Jack was able to turn his full attention to Brennan. "Whoa. Dr. Brennan do you realize that you're not wearing any clothes?"

"Are you insane? I'm handcuffed to a bed and you're more concerned that I have no clothes on? Get me out of these things!"

"Sweetie, why didn't Booth just unlock them?"

"Do you honestly think that I would have called you if someone hadn't lost their keys?" She glared at Booth and kicked at him again. This time, he was able to move away before she could connect with any other part of his anatomy.

Hodgins whistled. "Oh, man. You lost the key? Dude, you've got some major groveling in your future."

"Hodgins hush." Angela reached into her purse for a massive key ring. "Here, honey. Just give me a sec to find one that works." As she moved to her friend's side, she muttered nonsense comfort phrases and started to pick her way through her collection.

Booth began to pace around the room, more like an expectant father than a nervous...whatever the hell he was, his hand gently cupping his penis. As he did so, Hodgins slowly trained the camera over toward the bed, adjusting the zoom lens until…

"Hodgins!"

Jack jumped, dropping the camera.

Angela smiled. "Oh good. I was going to ask you to put that thing down anyway." She jerked a thumb at Booth. "Now do you think you could help him find some clothes?" She tried another key, but it didn't work. "And would you please take off that stupid bra?"

"What, you don't think I look good?" He swung his shoulders back and forth, the cups of the bra shimmering as the light shined on it.

"Do you really want me to answer that?" She turned back and tried another key. Hodgins shrugged and pulled off the bra before turning to Booth.

"Dude, I realize that you have every right to be proud of your junk, but could you please tuck it back in?"

Still concerned with the bloody scratches, Booth didn't hear the request.

"Booth!"

"What?" He turned to face Hodgins with a scowl of irritation. "Can't you see that I'm bleeding here?"

Nodding, Jack said, "Yes. Yes, I can see that. Actually, that's the problem."

"Huh?"

Angela cut in, "Put on some pants, Booth." She tried another key with a mumbled, "Men!"

Booth looked up from his equipment and realized that Hodgins was pointedly trying to not stare at him while Brennan tried to kill him with a look. He immediately tucked himself back into his boxers and scurried to the closet to find something to put on.

Just as he walked back out in a pair of sweatpants, there was an audible click from the direction of the bed.

"Ah ha! I knew I'd find it sooner or later." Angela smiled and stood up so that her friend could lower her arms. "Is that better, sweetie?"

Brennan launched herself off of the bed, her hand like claws, skidding across the floor and setting the thong to roaring again. Booth looked up in time to see her coming at him and stumbled backwards to avoid the attack.

…_.. A few days later ….._

"It's a good thing he was still so close to the closet, otherwise Brennan would've ripped him a new asshole."

Hodgins nodded his agreement and took the bowl from Angela so that he could stuff another handful of popcorn in his mouth. As he plucked a few stray kernels from his shirt, the horrific scene played out in high definition on the 60" plasma TV in his entertainment room. Hitting the rewind button, he replayed that last part where Booth squeaked like a little girl and darted for the closet. "God, I love that part. Wonder if I can edit that and use it as my screen saver at the lab."

Angela smacked him on the arm before cuddling into his side.

"Do you think they'll try again any time soon?"

"After what happened there, I think hell will have to freeze over first," Hodgins grinned and grabbed another handful of popcorn before rewinding it once again.

_AN: Now it's time to say goodbye to all our company. G-E-T See you next story O-U-T Why? Because I appreciate your reviews. N-O-W! Get out now, get out now, and enjoy yourself here at this mystical, magical place I like to call the Bones Fandom. Teehee._


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